Friendships & Fears

The night started out with the best of intentions. I had a very busy week with final papers for my January course, work to do for two internships, a blog post to write, and a life to be lived, which of course included swing dancing with my friends and staying up late watching YouTube videos until the very early morning. By the time my alarm rang, I was exhausted. I came home from my internship, lazily typed out my last two papers for biology and proceeded to pass out on my bed for a few hours. When I awoke, I noticed that all my roommates had gone home for the weekend/end of term. A scheme hatched.

I would have a “date night” with myself. I cooked myself a nice dinner and began to relax. I thought over the week, but soon my thoughts turned to a task I had forgotten to email back earlier in the day. I quickly issued out an email. Then, I began to look at my website, and soon I was onto Facebook games. It was then that I stopped. Facebook games and re-critiquing my website are my tell-tale signs of loneliness and boredom.

So I began to think about what my life will be like after graduation. Not the job portion, but when the wide majority of my friends don’t live at furthest, a 10 minute walk away, or just right down the hall. One of my closest friends and confidantes informed me that he’s just not cut out for the city life and plans to move further away after graduation. Many of my friends will be returning home to their respective states. A young man that I’ve lately grown attached to…likely going to grad school in another state.

My typical response is “well I have friends that I keep in touch with long-distance.” But the truth is, I rarely do. I looked back on the short texts from my best friend, as we try to schedule a few hours on our non-cooperating schedules for a phone call (she lives in California). I haven’t had a chance to really talk with her in months. I thought about my closest friend from high school and how during the last couple of weeks, we couldn’t face each other in band without bursting into tears. Four years later, we’ll see each other at mini reunions, but she has her life and I have mine. She’s planning a wedding and organizing her post-grad apartment with her fiancee. I’m living carefree and suffering from a severe bout of Senioritis. We still love each other, our lives are just not nearly as close as they were.

When I’m asked if I’m ready for graduation, I’ll quickly say “Am I ready for the homework to be gone? You bet. Am I ready to say goodbye to my friends? Absolutely not.” It’s 100% true. Come graduation in May, I’ll be excited for my next adventures in life, but not ready to watch my friends and I take different paths. I know we’ll always be close, but there’s still that fear of knowing that things will never quite be the same.